


Revival

by stilesune



Series: Aftermath [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stilesune/pseuds/stilesune
Summary: “What? What should be obvious from you, Eddie? Are we gonna go there finally?Are we?”---Sequel to Trauma.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Aftermath [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1734667
Comments: 13
Kudos: 300





	Revival

**Author's Note:**

> Well... I thought that would take longer but apparently Buck's emotions wouldn't let me go, even as I ate dinner.
> 
> This is set post 3x18 but does not contain any spoilers past what we've seen in the promos. Everything in here is pure speculation and coincidental if any plot points come to fruition on the show.

The exhaustion he feels after the train crash is bone-deep. It infects every inch of his bones and matter and clings to him in that annoying achy way. It focuses at the base of his skull, even as he collapses into bed. 

Abby’s engaged to be married.

To some Professor she’d met backpacking through Amsterdam. 

And only returned to Los Angeles to sell her place to move in with him permanently overseas.

Maddie was right: Eat, Pray, _Love._

He knew. She had told him not to wait, after all. But he still wanted to be the one that someone came back to, even if he didn’t necessarily want her. He wanted to be someone who was missed so much that they couldn’t be apart from Buck another moment longer. 

For a split second when he saw her, he thought…

But nope.

Saving her fiancé for her, talking with her and finding out that she’s actually happy and it’s thanks to _Buck_ , it helps in a sick way. 

Maybe that’s his purpose in life. To be peoples’ stepping stone to happiness. He’s their experience that gets them to their Happily Ever After and…

Buck gets fucked.

He gets to fall in love and give himself over to everyone and they get to just… not. 

It hardly seems fair. It’s not their fault, he knows that even in his wallowing. It’s just Buck’s life. Things like crushing him, it seems. 

Abby left. Ali left. Eddie’s a ghost in his life and the other man doesn’t even realize it because Buck fears that at some point, he’s not going to be able to be okay with just being Eddie’s Friend. He’s afraid he’ll have to leave in order to stop loving Eddie and Christopher and it will tear his heart apart.

Whiskey sounds like a good idea, but he’s out, he discovers when he gets downstairs. The beer is gone as well. The only thing he has is vodka and not even the good kind; it’s Maddie’s for her Screwdriver/Mimosa mix at their brunches.

Buck 1.0 probably had the right idea. Meaningless sex fueled by alcohol to trick himself into pretending that's the actual intimacy he's looking for and not what he's settling for. People stick around for his body and usefulness, but not him. Even though therapy has helped him realize that he was using that as a crutch for his deep need for connection and was not actually a sex addict, it still had an allure. No strings. He didn’t have to worry about getting his heart hurt anymore. 

He just wants to be loved. 

He’s thinking of queuing up Somebody To Love by Queen when there’s a key in his door and the universe has a sick sense of humor because in walks Eddie. 

Eddie pauses as soon as he gets the door open and locks wide eyes with Buck, like he hadn’t expected Buck to actually be there… in his own apartment… that he used his own key to get into because Buck thought it would be easier when his leg was shattered and Eddie was helping him here and there.

“Vodka works.” Buck decides out loud after a beat, turns on his heel and goes for the kitchen. He questions Maddie’s taste that it’s peach flavored when she mixes it with champagne and orange juice. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie asks hesitantly, pulling his key from the door and closing it quietly behind him. 

“I asked you first.” Buck shoots back before he can help it, even though he really shouldn’t bring up that conversation in Eddie’s car from the week before. For self-preservation purposes. 

Eddie’s face clouds for a moment, like he doesn’t want to go back to that conversation either, and Buck feels a mixture of satisfaction and annoyance at that. Of course he wouldn’t want to talk about his feelings. He just wants to poke and prod at Buck and psychoanalyze him. He’s _exhausting_. But apparently entertaining enough for Eddie to keep coming around. 

Eddie doesn't seem to want to answer, so Buck decides to force him, "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to check on you."

Buck snorts, "Well, there you go. I'm checked and in one piece. You can go home now." He gestures to the door behind Eddie, "I believe you're familiar with the door, don't let it hit you on the way out."

“Buck, what’s going on with you lately?” Eddie sounds exasperated and it’s about to snap Buck’s control in half. Eddie's acting like _he's_ the infuriating one. Like he's the one that won't open up and talk about their feelings. That's Eddie's Brand, not Buck's. 

“I’m owning my emotions and it makes you uncomfortable?” He theorizes because two can play this game. 

Eddie blanches, “What the fuck does that mean?”

And there goes his control, almost audible as it snaps and he whips his head to glare at Eddie, hands tightening angrily into fists at his side, “It means I don’t know what the hell is going on in your head, Eddie! You want to know what’s happening with me but I’m so sick and tired of _giving_ everything to everyone and getting _nothing_ in return. I’m tired of loving people and getting thrown to the side when someone or something better comes along. I’m tired of not being fucking enough for someone to stick around for.” 

Eddie looks like Buck punched him in the face, “What the hell are you talking about, Buck? You have people. Maddie loves you. Your sister would do anything for you. Chimney loved you like a brother long before he and Maddie even met, I could see that from my first day. Hen adores the hell out of you and is always telling Denny and Nia about your jokes, the PG ones. Cap treats you like his own son and so does Athena by extension. Shit, you had Pepa and Abuela eating out of your hand the second you introduced me to Carla, who spent hours regaling me with how amazing her Buckaroo is and that if she ever heard anyone hurt you again after Abby, she’d personally make sure no one ever heard from them again. Christoper worships the ground you walk on Buck. You are everything to my kid, do you get that? It’s not just hero worship because you saved him, it’s love. You have people that love you, Buck. You just expect it to be conditional and think that you have to do things to make people love you or that you have to be the best at something to make people proud and _you don’t_.”

Buck watches as Eddie passionately explains all of this to him and the one thing that he catches on, and he knows it’s stupid, is that Eddie didn’t factor himself into any of that. He believed Eddie when he said he’d forgiven him for everything in the past. But now he’s carefully refraining from bunching himself in with the people that love Buck. He mentions his aunt and grandmother, but not himself. It stings and he wants it to just be because of the fact that Eddie doesn't talk about his own emotions, but his insecurity is eating him away after everything.

“Again, you’ve told me how everyone feels but yourself.”

“Because it should be obvious!” 

“What? What should be obvious from you, Eddie? Are we gonna go there finally? _Are we_?” Buck challenges, stepping forward into Eddie’s personal bubble for the first time. They’re still a couple of feet from one another, but he can see the restraint that Eddie’s barely hanging on to in the way his hands tremble, the way his eyes tighten a little at the corners to glare. 

The pause lasts longer than Buck should let it. He wants to give Eddie the opportunity. He’s sick of giving to everyone but _him_ , apparently. He throws his hands up in exasperation, “I’ve broken through concrete easier--” 

“God, _shut_ _the fuck_ _up_.” Eddie growls, hand curling around Buck’s neck to crash their mouths together apropos of FUCKING NOTHING _WHAT_. 

Buck shoves Eddie away, “No. Absolutely not.” It’s everything Buck wants but he knows it’s not. It’s not real. This is Eddie pitying him. “Don’t do that. I’m not using… this… to do… that.” He doesn’t know what he’s saying because Eddie is still surrounding him. His vision swarms with tan skin and brown eyes and his standard neutral clothing palette. Feels the way his skin thrums and burns under his hands as they try to find any bare flesh to soak as much in as possible. He inhales roughly and can smell Eddie deep in his nose, taste it in the back of his throat. Then his brain is catching up and he can _taste_ him. Finally. He's wanted this for so long. He knows he shouldn't, knows that they should talk first because he doesn't know what's happening in Eddie's head but this could be his only chance, “Fuck.” Buck groans before his mouth slants over Eddie’s, using his height to crowd Eddie backward against the wall. 

Everything feels alive. His lips are tingling, Eddie’s hands leave heat trails as he wraps an arm around Buck’s waist and _arches_ into him. His brain feels like it’s frying.

It’s rough. Almost angry. Wet. He’s not sure when he started crying, but apparently he is, while he makes out with Eddie up against the wall of his apartment. It’s not right, it’s not real, it’s going to hurt so much because he wants this so badly that he just allows himself a moment to take the outlet Eddie’s giving him. He’d never let it go passed this but he just needs to indulge in the feel of Eddie’s solid body, warm and pliant underneath his as he pins him to the wall. 

He wants to rut against him, find their releases in their jeans and make it rough and angry and meaningless because if he does what he’s doing--slow dragging kisses that have them melting into one another, grasps softening, caressing, as they fall into the moment with a slip of tongue and hitch of breath, Eddie dipping his head just so to adjust to angle and--it’ll destroy him when the night's over. 

Because Eddie still hasn’t told him how he feels. And it hurts because he loves him. He does. He loves Eddie and Christopher so much that he wants them forever. He wants to have the whole life with them and adopt Christopher down the line and make it real. His heart is already aching as he forces himself to drag himself away from Eddie's mouth, not able to go too far because Eddie holds him close. Keeps their bodies pinned with an arm around Buck's waist and the other hand around the back of his neck. His fingers hold him, ground him, thumb stroking absentmindedly. Eddie nudges him gently until their foreheads rest together.

“I’m bad with words.” Eddie admits quietly, “My dad’s philosophy was basically bad shit happens, deal with it. Then I was in the army and in the desert where I watched people die every day.” His voice cracks, his eyes are fixed downward, and Buck's fingers reflexively dig into his waist to ground him, too. “I’m not healthy. Emotionally. I’m not okay, Buck.” He swallows roughly around the admission. 

Buck just places a soft kiss to Eddie’s forehead in lieu of speaking. He’s worried if he says something, he’ll ruin it. 

“I’m scared, all the time. I worry about Christopher, my family, you, the team, people I still have back in Afghanistan and feel powerless sitting here sometimes when I know they're over there. I’m angry at Shannon and the world and stupid teenage fucking bombers and natural disasters and…” His eyes are wet when they lock with Buck’s, but his face is determined, “I’m not okay, Buck. But when I’m around you, I feel like I could be.”

Something settles in Buck’s chest at that moment and lifts at the same time. Like he can breathe for the first time and found a slice of peace, too.

“Don’t leave me.” Buck begs, quietly, raw and open as he stares at Eddie, giving him everything on a silver platter. 

Eddie’s mouth is his new drug, intoxicating him with a lick and nip before pulling away, “You stop trying to die on me and I’ll do my best to do the same.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If there's one more piece, it may just be a bonus smut chapter. I won't give a timeline on that because, as I've seen today, I could say next week and have it up in a few hours lol.


End file.
